“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1, NKJV.
I was 30 years old when I had my beautiful “converse” garden wedding back home in the Philippines. All in the entourage were wearing converse shoes, including the bride (me) and the groom. It was a wonderful afternoon celebrating the love that build a young family. Both families and friends were all witnessed the joyful event. There were tears, but it was for joy and happiness. Everything was perhaps perfect from its decorations, venue, all the dresses, and food. A wedding that a woman would wish to have, yet I did not dream of a wedding like I had. Simple and intimate is more than enough for me, but it gave me more than I wanted. Grateful, indeed!
“Marriage is not always a bed of roses,” my father’s words of wisdom. He was a man of principle and full of wisdom unfortunately, he was not on my wedding day anymore. He passed away before the event. I always fall back on his words, especially the moment I needed it the most. And yes, it came to the point of realization when I lived the life of marriage. Definitely, not everyone is on the same journey and circumstances in their marriage life. We have our own unique challenges and happiness through this journey. It does not matter what age, status, and the person you are with in building a family. Perhaps we had flaws along the way and some lay way of every decision we would have taken in trying to shape our ideal family. In building a family, we must position our heart before the Lord.
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4, NKJV.
These words tipped off with me when betrayal hits my marriage. Along the way, I did not take in my heart’s position before the Lord when I got married. We started it in a very challenging way. Before the event, I served the Lord with a burning fire in my heart faithfully. Often, we unconsciously serve God from a shallow disposition of our heart. The thoughts of serving a ministry because we have to, we are proud of ourselves that we are doing something for God, or just doing something as a Christian. Does it sound familiar to you? I definitely not see that point when I was spiritedly on the service for the Lord’s ministry through bible study and teaching kids. Until it changed the turn of my marriage route and that was the turning point of my refiner’s fire. During the journey, the Lord showed me what does it really mean the verse in Psalm 37:4. We all have these heart desires, but it is not always in line with God’s desire for us, even if it is good. I had a good desire, which is raising a good and happy family, yet delighting myself to Him first did not position my heart towards His.
Many things happened in the past years. Most often it was heartbreaking, painful, very overwhelming, yet God is always faithful and good. I gave birth and after a year; I returned to work full time that led me more to weariness, stressed out coping with both work demands and marriage in toll. Later, after a few months of working, my body could not take it anymore, the heaviness of the emotions and made me sick. Behind time, I have sought a Christian counselling both online and in our local church. The tool that I had used to ease the heaviness of the emotions and thoughts were writing, praying, and reading the Word of God. I have read many books during those moments of depression. Leslie Vernick wrote one book that helped me, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope.” Thus, God pursued me despite of the turmoil. He never leave me nor forsakes me.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6, NKJV.
God walks through, by and with us in times of trouble, even how much you believe yourself that He is not there. He uses people to help us through with our pain and struggles. Still, we have the choice to make which path we have to take: better road, or bitter road. Choose prudently. Never stop seeking the Lord, even in times of the most tough time in your life. Perhaps we were tired and helpless, but God promised us to renew our strength.
“But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
Sometimes it is in the silence that God complete His greatest work in our lives. His silence get our attention. It is merely Him that gave me strength graciously every day and reminded myself the hope that is in Christ Jesus. No matter how depressing it was like, I did not stop seeking the hands of the Lord reaching me out every time I fell to the ground. I never stop praising Him, even if I could hardly say the words but speak from the deepest end of my soul. The groaning of pain that pushed me to kneel before my Saviour. Pain that pierced my heart so deep and drew me to tears, but the Lord was with me all the time. He let me walked through it to make me a tough warrior of His yet with a gentle heart and spirit.
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